WE'RE NOT TOLERATING LACTOSE ANYMORE

What’s more Gen-Z than our obsession with hating lactose? But what is the correct replacement for the dreaded cow-milk? Creative Directors Matthew Kortan and Alyssa Slovin undertook a “scientific” experiment and tried several milk-substitutes so that you wouldn’t have to! Digital Director Rebecca Klinger shot the accompanying video which is linked at the end. Much like peanut butter and jelly, this article is best experienced in conjunction with the video.

Rise and shine folks! It’s the dawn of a new day and we’d love for you to join us for a hearty breakfast. So, what’ll it be to drink? Oh, milk you say? Boy have we got the surprise for you! Four surprises, in fact! That’s right, this article is your one-stop-shop for all things lactose-free milk. Haven’t you heard? Lactose milk is so played out in 2020. The cows ought to take a paid vacation — Santa struggles with gas and bloating, and babies will drink whatever you put in their bottle no matter what. Not to mention, some of us were simply born with the innate sense that there exists a higher authority within the alternative milk options and will stop at nothing until the truth is discovered. Others among us simply believe that traditional milk is disgusting and foul. No matter your issue with dairy milk, joining us on our quest to separate the contenders from the pretenders when it comes to lactose-free milk is bound to do you more good than harm. We promise. Bottoms up!

Fairlife Lactose-Free 2% Milk

Alyssa:

This was actually a milk that I already owned for making coffee in my dorm room from my roommate’s Keurig, and I accidentally bought lactose free instead of my usual, regular cow’s milk. However, since I had only added a few splashes into some coffee, I actually had no idea what this milk tasted like alone. I expected it to taste like a waterier milk, since that’s what I’ve heard from others, but I cannot say that was my experience. As soon as I tried it, it felt off. I have a weird thing where I don’t like to sip milk and then come back to it a couple minutes later. I have to chug it, otherwise it tastes strange to me. And this milk at first sip tasted like second sip milk to me. This may or may not be due to the fact that this milk was close to expiration … but I doubt it. This experiment was truly scientific, and no one can convince me otherwise. 

Would I drink this milk again? It tasted absolutely fine in my coffee, but alone, no, I would not by choice. However, it was good enough, and I actually rebought it for Keurig purposes. I’d rate it 5.5/10.

Matthew:

This milk fell under the double edged sword of being the first milk I tried. All things considered, it held up pretty well. I feel the same way about this as I do diet soda: it tastes close enough to the real thing, so why not go with the healthier option? Although in the cases of soda and milk, the “real thing” also tastes like garbage in my humble opinion. But should the ungodly scenario arise that I need to consume milk again, I wouldn’t be opposed to Fairlife Lactose-Free 2% being the choice. 

You sacrifice some of the creaminess of regular lactose milk, but what you lose in flavor you earn back in texture. If nothing else, it goes down smooth, like what a whiskey spokesman wants you to believe about his/her product. For that reason, I think this milk works best as an addition to cereal or coffee above the other samples we tried.

With that said, this milk is nothing to write home about. Yet here I am writing about it. Dear mom, if you happen to read this before your next trip to the grocery store, please don’t read too  much into it.

Score: 6/10

Publix Store Brand Vanilla Almond Milk

Alyssa:

The idea of vanilla milk has always grossed me out, but after just one sip, I completely understood the hype behind it. I hate vanilla-scented products, such as candles or lotions, and for some reason, I thought that the sweetness would give me a headache like those overly aromatic items. However, the vanilla is  a way to make non-dairy milks taste much more cow-like, likely due to the sugar from the lactose that these milks are lacking. I am not typically someone who likes something overly sweet, but it wasn’t too rich to turn me away. I’m curious how this milk would taste for anything besides straight milk consumption, which I don’t typically do, but the taste was definitely the most enjoyable out of this bunch. 

However, I cannot, in good conscience, completely ignore that out of all non-dairy milks, almond milk is not very sustainable for the environment due to the outrageous amount of water that goes into growing almonds. Part of the reason for alternative milks is environmentalism, and I think this review would be sorely one-sided if neither of us mentioned that unfortunate reality that comes along with this milk substitute.

I would definitely drink this milk again, but I am also hesitant to use it for cereal, coffee, or cookie-dunking. Considering everything, I’d rate it an 8/10.

Matthew:

It was obvious as soon as the cool eggshell-coloured liquid met my thirsting lips that the vanilla was doing the heavy lifting here. Still, this was a damn good milk. I’ve never had much of a sweet tooth, but the sweetner effectively enhanced the glorious vanilla flavour, but didn’t overwhelm the solution with richness. The 8 grams of C6H12O6 captures the perfect sugar concentration. Simple and sweet.  They say 8 is a lucky number for a reason, I suppose. To be blunt, this is the heroin of milk. It’s hard to get enough, and that might become dangerous.

I’ve used this stuff in cereal, added it to pasta, and hell I’ve even fed it to a cat. It passes every test with flying colours. So much so that I would even consider bathing in it just to carry the seductive scent of vanilla with me wherever I go. 

But heed my warning: vanilla almond milk consumption is a slippery slope. It’s very easy to subconsciously skip past your stomach’s sugar threshold. Your stomach will feel too full.. You will feel hungover. It will not be worth it. But as they say, a little goes a long way and everything in moderation. One more thing: the sweetness of this product will make it easy to forget that it does indeed, like all things on this feeble and finite earth, come to an end, just like you and me. Sure, it didn’t come from a cow’s udder, but hell even the apples in the Garden of Eden went bad after a while. Just keep your eye on the nutrition facts and expiration date, and you’ll live happily ever after. 

Score: 9/10

Califia Farms Coconut Milk & Water Blend

Alyssa:

Okay, this one was bad. Our editor-in-chief warned us of the viscous texture of this milk, but nothing could have prepared us for the undesirable taste or how strangely watered down it was. As you may be able to tell from the title of this section, we accidentally bought the wrong coconut milk, and that’s on us. Unsweetened and mixed with water? It never had a chance. I apologise to all of the coconut milk stans, but this coconut milk in particular was the worst thing that I have consumed in a while, and I regularly go to Sadler Center for meals. 

Please, never bring me this milk again. I would only ever drink it if there was a glass of coconut milk on a table and either Matthew or I had to finish it to save the world. I’d give it a 2/10, mostly to spare those coconut milk lovers I mentioned previously. 

Matthew:

What the hell is this? Some kind of practical joke? I had a dog named Coconut as a kid who I loved very much. And this twisted, vile, abomination nearly ruined every pleasant memory I had with my fuzzy little pal. This is not okay with me. The head engineer at Califia farms needs to be placed under citizen’s arrest for allowing this forsaken substance to rest inconspicuously among edible products at the grocery store. After drinking this, I felt like washing it down with a little bleach or maybe a scrumptious pus-filled pimple. That would have gotten the abhorrent taste out of my mouth.

Hey FBI, here’s an idea for you! Waterboarding an interrogation subject is so played-out these days. So 1984. Instead, try Califia Farms Coconut Milkboarding them instead. The heinous taste in their mouth will really get them talking. On second thought, maybe this isn’t the greatest idea. After getting a lick of this milk, it’s entirely possible the suspect will prefer death to having this dirty, rotten liquid ripple down their oesophagus again. That’s how I felt after one little sip, and I wasn’t being tortured. Or was I?

Score: -666/10

Califia Farms Oat Milk

Alyssa:

If you watched the video, you may have heard me describe this one with the simple words, “my only description is: oats.” That may not have been very helpful for your viewing, but “oats” was literally the only thing that came to my mind while drinking this milk. While some of these non-milks tried to be dairy milk, oat milk was only trying to be itself. I respect that originality, in both the colour and the flavour. Although it was not my favourite, I could definitely see myself adjusting to oat milk over time if need be. I am also curious to try different brands of oat milk because I have heard that some people are brand specific with their oat milk, raving about Oatly brand. I’d definitely be willing to test the difference in my future endeavours. 

I’m going to rank this milk at a 6.5/10 because, although it was weird, I was intrigued by the overwhelming oat flavour. 

Matthew:

Don’t try to ride your bike through this stuff or you’ll get stuck. But it didn’t taste bad. To me, Califia Farms Oat Milk is the most convincing piece of evidence to date that extraterrestrial life has indeed visited planet earth. This stuff is just bizarre. It makes me wonder, what exactly is going on behind the scenes at Califia Farms? Internal security stronghold? A secret society set upon bringing about a new world order through lactose alternatives? Area 51? We’ll probably never know.

This is where I’m hung up. What happens when you add this to oatmeal? Does it compound and strengthen until it eventually materialises as some kind of granular chia pet? Or maybe the eater wouldn’t even notice, because this milk tastes nothing like an actual oat. Is it possible to overdose on oats? If so, next time I need to avenge myself against a sworn enemy, I know what I’m making them for breakfast. They’ll never know what hit them.

Upon reflecting on my experience tasting this milk in the days that have passed since, I think the answer has only become more murky. Some omnipotent being probably exists out there and harmoniously flows between all things. Until the day comes that this divine spirit whispers in my ear, I don’t suspect I’ll ever truly comprehend what happened on the fateful day that I tasted oat milk in the forest.

Or maybe the omnipotent being is the milk itself. Or maybe I just need to talk to a therapist about all this milk.

Score: 4.5/10

We thank you for tagging along on this mission to save the soul — or maybe just the stomach — of humanity. If you fancy yourself a visual learner and wish to lay your own two eyes upon the crisp, sometimes white milk, we encourage you to check out our video, where we translate these words into action.