This article contains satirical elements, but remains a genuine critique of yet another mediocre adaptation of a classic childhood book series. To ensure our reporter’s safety, they have chosen to remain anonymous and will be using a pseudonym.

- Calter Wronkite

For better or for worse, it seems that the new big thing is revisiting beloved franchises and trying to make a quick buck from remaking or rebooting them. Sometimes, this leads to breathtaking films that expand our understanding of these universes with beautiful storytelling and visuals, like Rogue One; other times, we get something more akin to the rest of Disney’s Star Wars films. I remember my excitement upon hearing that the Percy Jackson series was getting a movie adaptation way back in the 2010s. This series, like Harry Potter before it, was one of my favorite books as a kid, but anyone who hoped that the 2010’s Percy Jackson movies would recapture the magic of their source material in the same way that their Harry Potter counterparts did would have been sorely disappointed. So, when they announced that they were trying again to bring this universe into the world of video media, this time in the form of a limited series, I was skeptical. 

Unfortunately, my skepticism proved to be well-founded. The pacing was terrible, with some segments seeming to drag for an eternity, while other parts that seemed more important to the overall narrative were glanced over. Many lines felt forced, and the action scenes were almost nonexistent. To my surprise, audiences and critics viewed the show favorably, with it receiving a 92% on Rotten Tomatoes as of the time of writing this. 

Every time Percy prepared for battle by unsheathing Riptide, the camera would conveniently pan away and the battle would last for nothing more than two or three half-hearted slashes between Percy and his adversaries. Some little details were also amiss, like when Percy appeared wet after exiting the water. You might call these nitpicks, but they give credence to the argument that this show was made as a careless cash grab. You can tell when something is a love letter to the source material and, unfortunately for this show, that was just not the case. 

This has led many online to speculate that the show was used as nothing more than a money laundering scheme. I am here to quell the rumors with the absolute, definitive truth. Luckily for me, my cousin’s uncle’s friend’s father’s dog groomer also grooms dogs for one of the show's producers. What follows is the result of my interview with him: 

“Instead of being based on the books, the show was based on the real historical events that inspired the books. We tried to remain as accurate as possible, and I feel like, for the most part, we succeeded. The only major casualty was Percy’s mullet. The people weren’t ready for the mullet.”

After listening to a five minute-long rant about hair styling choices for the series, I attempted to get the conversation back on track by inquiring more about where all the money actually went. 

“Well, you see, Zeus has actually been fighting a war against the lizard people for the last three years now, and none of the other gods really want to get involved. He and their leader, Mark Zuckerberg, have some serious beef. Zeus is basically just really ticked that Facebook rebranded to Meta because he apparently came up with it first and told Mark, but his idea went uncredited. My sources tell me that the majority of the money went towards the purchase of the spy pigeons Zeus deployed to keep a watchful eye on Zuckerberg. Also, regarding the “Riptide-not-being-on-screen” thing, they were actually lent the real Riptide from Percy himself in exchange for a can of Zyns, but people might have thought it was weird if it looked too real, so we kept the transformation mostly off-screen. Also, that thing is really sharp, so they tried to avoid having the kiddos swing it around too much. Percy may have fallen upon hard times as of late, but his mullet is still as majestic as ever, at least so I’m told.”

After another seven-minute tangent about Percy’s mullet, I tried to make sense of what I had just been told. 

“So, Mark Zuckerberg is a lizard — that part tracks. But the spy pigeons and a war with Zeus over a poorly advised rebrand?”

“You bite your tongue! Meta was a stroke of genius and you know it! Everyone knows about the spy pigeons. Their eyes are cameras and they can remain operational 24/7, so long as they sit on power lines to recharge their batteries at least once every couple of days. I’m told some of the new ones even have ChatGPT integration! As for the actual details of the war itself, I don’t want to get into too much detail, as to protect Zeus, but I am told that he just upgraded his town hall to level 13. Zuckerberg is cooked!”

Either these are the facts, or my source is on some manner of hallucinogen and most of the money went towards the appearance fee for Lin-Manuel Miranda. I have presented as much insight as I can. The rest is for you to decide.