Fine, I’ll Admit It: I’m a Trader Hoe
It’s time. I’m finally owning up to my identity as a frequent shopper and supporter of Trader Joe’s — or, in more succinct terms, a “Trader Hoe.” Come with me as I both explore the nationally adored cultural mainstay that Trader Joe’s has become and feed into pernicious cycles of capitalism by offering my favorite, yet underrated, Trader Joe’s products that I believe you should try. However, test at your own risk — you too just might be initiated into the Trader Hoe army after a sample taste.
ZACHARY LUTZKY // FLAT HAT MAGAZINE
If there’s anything that TWAMPs and middle-aged white women have in common, it’s their love for Trader Joe’s.
No matter how hard I’ve tried, I can’t quite put my finger on where exactly the allure of Trader Joe’s comes from. Perhaps it’s the way the store has a mom-and-pop, small business feel, despite being a multimillion-dollar grocery chain with locations across the United States. Maybe the answer lies in Trader Joe’s marketing — pretty much every store, from Food Lion to Target, creates its own line of cheaply priced items that knock-off brand-name goods, but Trader Joe’s has simply risen above with its hand-drawn labels, aesthetic packaging, and cleverly titled products (think Scandinavian Swimmers). Hmm, or could it be the pretense of healthiness that shrouds every Trader Joe’s product? I can’t explain the Mandela Effect that’s at play here, but for some reason, Trader Joe’s has convinced me and everybody else I know that buying from Trader Joe’s is healthier than any other grocery equivalent. Oh, and let’s not forget the reputation that Trader Joe’s employees have earned for not only being notoriously kind and friendly but also insanely sexy (cue the memes).
Either way, I got caught in the clutches of Trader Joe’s during freshman year when the most exciting thing my roommate and I could do was take the bus to New Town and raid the store for snacks to bolster our meager dining hall diets. Now being in the “Trader Joe’s Meal Ideas for Busy People” Facebook group, with nearly 650,000 other members who regularly post about their latest Trader Joe’s finds and reviews, I’ve come to learn that I’m not alone in my affinity for the beloved grocery chain.
However, the massive Facebook group also reminds me of how many other, more dedicated Trader Joe’s loyalists there are out there. So before the hordes of Trader Hoes come charging at me with their Ultimate Spoons (if you know, you know), I do want to establish some much-needed disclaimers — I do not claim to be the biggest fan of Trader Joe’s to ever live; Trader Joe’s is not my primary grocery store of choice; and I am in no way commercially affiliated with Trader Joe’s. In fact, I generally prefer Aldi over Trader Joe’s because Trader Joe’s has a niche product selection and lacks widespread accessibility with its higher prices, especially when it comes to staple goods like fresh produce, pasta, or meats. Trader Joe’s is simply a supplement to my weekly grocery shopping, my go-to place for snacks, frozen meals, and miscellaneous guilty pleasures.
But I still find myself qualified to write this piece because I do harbor a deep adoration for the grocery chain, make weekly stops there, and have sampled an abundance of its snacks and meals. Because I’ve tried so many Trader Joe’s products, let me offer you my Trader Hoe-certified recommendations for the best things you should try at Trader Joe’s.
TJ’S SNACK TIER LIST (in no particular order — except for #1, which will always reign supreme in my heart):
1. Dried Mandarins
ZACHARY LUTZKY // FLAT HAT MAGAZINE
This snack is by far my favorite from Trader Joe’s, which is why I collapse into deep despair whenever it’s randomly missing from the shelves and I have to spend a week orangeless. If you enjoy dried mangoes, you’re already a person with taste and well on your way to becoming a fruit connoisseur. But you won’t ascend to your full fruit potential until you’ve tried dried mandarins, which are even BETTER. Coated in sugar, they’re sweet. Yet they’re a fruit, so they have to be healthy (please don’t tell me they’re not — I’ve consumed too many at this point). Every bite is a fragrant, pleasant delight that leaves me wanting more and more and more until ... wait ... they’re all gone! :(
2. Chicken Tikka Masala
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My toxic trait, you ask? It’s being chronically late to EVERYTHING. That’s why Trader Joe’s frozen rendition of one of my favorite Indian meals has been my lifesaver when I need a quick meal to take to class, am already running five minutes late, and don’t have time to cook or even pack myself leftovers (yeah, it’s that bad). All you have to do is heat up the compostable dish for three minutes (or sometimes a little longer to get the chicken softer), let it sit for another minute, and voilà! You’ve got yourself a pretty respectable chicken tikka masala that, in my opinion, holds its own against restaurant versions of the same dish. The chunks of chicken, doused in an orange-colored cream sauce, have a kick of spice, but it’s quickly muted when you take a bite of the basmati rice included with the meal, so it’s nothing that even the faintest of hearts couldn’t handle. Judging by the sheer amount of these frozen dinners I’ve had — probably around or over 50 during my undergraduate career — I can’t get enough of them, and neither will you once you try them.
ZACHARY LUTZKY // FLAT HAT MAGAZINE
3. Umami Furikake
The perfect complement to rice, furikake adds just a kick of salt, extra crunch, and new texture to an otherwise unexciting grain. While I could technically eat rice on its own, I would probably struggle and think to myself, “What is this sad life I am leading?” But furikake gives me the confidence that I can indeed live like my ancestors and eat just plain rice. However, if you do want to eat your rice paired with a protein, furikake is a great last-minute addition to bring out the missing flavor profile that comes with accidentally under-seasoning your meats. And because Williamsburg, unfortunately, doesn’t have any Asian or international supermarkets, I always appreciate that Trader Joe’s carries this product, connecting some of us back to our cultures and introducing others to new flavors.
4. Columbus Craft Meats Seasoned Roast Beef
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If the student body is known for one thing at the College of William and Mary, it’s our quirks. Hell, even the initial undergraduate application to go here inquires about your quirks, assessing if you’re weird enough to walk these historic grounds for four years. My quirk happens to be that I love eating roast beef — and no, not on sandwiches — from Trader Joe’s as a snack. Yeah, you heard me right: one of my biggest guilty pleasures is eating pre-cooked deli meat straight from the package as a light snack between meals. Raised to be a carnivore, I’ve had this culinary quirk since childhood, and I encourage you to try it, too. I’ve been quite picky with my roast beef since Costco tragically discontinued my favorite kind, so it’s high praise from me when I say the Columbus roast beef is my new go-to. However, I will add that $6.49 for a small quantity of sliced beef that one could theoretically mow through in one (hungry) sitting is quite expensive. But if you have spare money one week and want to treat yourself to a luxurious meat treat, perhaps roast beef could be your unlikely answer.
5. Gummy Tummies: Penguins with Soft Tummies
A gummy tummy is just what it sounds like: a gummy penguin with a fruity liquid filling in its rotund tummy. Biting into one of these babies produces a literal outpouring of either cherry, lime, or strawberry gummy juice that coats your tongue in a feeling of pure bliss that quickly replaces the shame and guilt of beheading an adorable, innocent penguin. Because gummy tummies are candy, they are undoubtedly sweet, but I never found the artificial juices to be off-putting or overpowering. The gummy is soft and easy to chew, and there’s a perfect balance of gummy and liquid tummy so that one complements the other. Plus, they’re visually so cute. What’s not to love?
6. Raspberry Hearts
These heart-shaped, raspberry jam-filled shortbread cookies have truly stolen my heart. I picked these up on a whim this past February because they reminded me of the Pepperidge Farm Verona Strawberry Thumbprint cookies I devoured all the time as a kid. Honestly, I got them more for their aesthetic and Valentine’s novelty; I didn’t expect to enjoy the cookies that much because I’m usually not a fan of raspberry-flavored items. But to my pleasant surprise, the raspberry jam was very sweet rather than bitter like I’m used to with treats of the same flavor. Also, even though it seems like the ratio of thick shortbread to jam is extremely skewed towards the former, the sweet raspberry flavor still shines through with every crumbly, delicious bite. I like to imagine myself daintily munching on these at a fancy tea party, but in reality, I’m at my kitchen table, alone, with jam and shortbread crumbs all over my face — and I couldn’t be happier.
7. Dark Chocolate Bark with Almond, Pretzel, and Sea Salt
One of my go-to snacks has always been pretzel or almond barkTHINS, so I was very excited to find that Trader Joe’s finally created a dupe — and not only that, but the Trader Joe’s version also combined both of my favorite flavors of barkTHINS into one. I felt like I hit the jackpot bringing these home just a couple of months ago. And my expectations were delightfully met: the Trader Joe’s dark chocolate bark was much smoother and less clumpy than its brand-name equivalent, and the chocolate tasted much more decadent, to the point where I even questioned if milk chocolate, rather than dark, was being used. I also felt satiated with only a few pieces of bark, so one bag can really go a long way; it’s perfect for indulging momentary sweet-tooth cravings in a healthier way.
8. Organic Tomato & Roasted Red Pepper Soup
Don’t let the fact that the soup comes in a cardboard carton convince you that it’s not of high quality and taste. In fact, its humble appearance makes its delicious flavor all the more impressive because you would think a soup so creamy and decadent was lovingly crafted in a kitchen with a Michelin star chef, not pre-packaged in a flimsy box. The roasted red pepper adds a slight kick of spice that elevates the soup from being just your run-of-the-mill tomato soup. The last time I ate this soup, my boyfriend made fancy grilled cheese sandwiches (hand-grated different types of cheese and everything!) to pair with it, and the combo was to die for. I highly suggest you try it too — not with my boyfriend, though.
I’m afraid this concludes our vicarious journey through the aisles of Trader Joe’s, my patient shoppers. Of course, this list is far from exhaustive, and it does not acknowledge the many Trader Joe’s snacks I’ve tried once but never again (yeah, I’m talking about you, Ridge Cut Salt and Pepper Potato Chips — you sucked). However, I hope these recommendations subconsciously resurface in your mind the next (or first!) time you head over to Trader Joe’s, and you find something both new and worthwhile. Happy shopping!
ZACHARY LUTZKY // FLAT HAT MAGAZINE