Novel Freshman Housing
Note: this article is satire. The events and people described in it are completely fictional (for now)...
Freshman housing is certainly a memorable experience for many students at the College of William and Mary. The ongoing expansion of the College has had many adverse effects on the student body, including the lack of available housing caused by the closure of several dorms. But fear not! The administration has been hard at work to ease the transition before the completion of the new buildings. Two new temporary housing options have been opened across campus, including the Sunken Tent and, my personal favorite, the Wren Crypts. I was fortunate enough to be allowed to tour these “new” locales along with several members of the administration who were kind enough to provide me their thoughts on the developments. Students were also asked to give comments, as no article on William and Mary housing would be complete without student opinion.
Despite my initial skepticism of them turning a place once used as a burial ground into a housing complex, the representative that I spoke to, who would prefer to remain anonymous, said that they had removed at least 70% of the coffins and vacuumed the whole area! Makeshift walls dividing rooms were installed using shower curtains to avoid making the place feel too claustrophobic. I personally found the Hello Kitty shower curtains to be a nice touch.
ISABEL LI // FLAT HAT MAGAZINE
Brian ʼ27 described his experience so far of living in the crypts as mostly positive, stating, “You know, I had my reservations when they told me I’d be living in a 16th century dirt tunnel, but after seeing GGV, frankly, this is a clear upgrade. I’ve made so many new furry friends and the lack of windows gives the place a real rustic feel.” Another student described it as “a unique college experience unlike anything you could find anywhere else” before promptly calling her parents and asking to go home. Many of the more long-term residents, bony and furry alike, however, declined to express their feelings regarding their new neighbors.
The Tent takes a “killing two birds with one stone” approach to the housing crisis. First, it saves money by avoiding disassembly of the infamous event tent, frequently present on the Sunken Garden. Second, it provides a housing option for incoming freshmen. I was told that another goal of the Tent was to provide a fun housing experience for some of our more outdoorsy students ‒ or so the administration claims. Their argument: “The Tent really has it all. I mean, first of all, it’s literally a tent. How does it get more like camping than that? We even had the kids bring their own sleeping bags. I heard deer and squirrels manage to work their way in there every once in a while, too. It’s really like one big year-round camping experience, and we love that.”
ZOE DAVIS // FLAT HAT MAGAZINE
Maddie ʼ27, expressed her dissatisfaction with a certain aspect of the Tent life, specifically the hike she has to make to McGlothlin Street Hall every morning. “It’s one thing to have to go to an academic building for class - I’m fine with that - but the lab showers being repurposed as actual showers is a major deal breaker. Walking across the Sunken Gardens and seeing everyone you know, while holding a shower caddy, is low-key humiliating.” She continued, “I’m pretty sure one of the guys in my hall hasn’t showered since we got here, and I’m not sure if that’s just normal for him, or if it’s because of the Tent. Either way, it’s gross.”
The tent is very centrally located on campus, which stands out as a huge plus, especially when compared to some of the other freshman housing. In the same vein, Mark ʼ27 commented, “When I saw that my housing assignment in the portal said ‘Tent 42,’ I really thought I was on one of those hidden camera shows. But honestly, it’s been great! It has air conditioning, and it’s right next to the dining hall. It even has hardwood flooring!”
These housing expansions mark the start of an effort by the administration to fix the dreaded housing waitlist. When asked for comment about the waitlist, admin responded with a simple “ayo, my bad, man.” While these new housing options are certainly… well, unorthodox… they managed to turn previously underutilized parts of campus into efficient accommodations for the rapidly expanding student body. Time ‒ and YikYak ‒ are the only things that will tell us how students and families will view these moves in the long-run.