Our Parents Online
Do you ever wonder what your parents are writing about on Facebook? Join Rebecca Altman '25 as she chronicles the parent Facebook pages at the College of William and Mary, the numerous trials and errors, and some thoughts from parents and students alike on how the pages have progressed.
JR HERMAN // FLAT HAT MAGAZINE
To speak more freely with Flat Hat Magazine about the activity and behavior they witnessed in the W&M Family Facebook group, several parents requested that they be left anonymous.
In times of need, people often turn to those closest to them for support. Technology can be a valuable resource for those physically distant from their nearest outlet of assistance. A question answered, a concern voiced, a spirit lifted; the push of a button can open doors to comfort and solutions.
Facebook has evolved to become a vital tool in the transition process from high school to college for parents and students alike, and the community at the College of William and Mary is no exception. Well into their children’s college years, parents flock to whatever social media resource they can find to get the quick answers they desire.
Today, the W&M Family Group on Facebook fills this need, and it is known within the College community as a hotspot for parental drama. Some say that any perceived cattiness in the group’s discourse is a feature, not a bug. But this melting pot of hot takes had humble beginnings.
In 2017, Parent & Family Programs created the W&M Parent and Family Facebook Group. It was established as a forum for family members of the College to ask questions and receive advice from those in similar situations. Unlike most universities, Parent & Family Programs moderated the page from its beginning through its end. This is starkly different from a strictly parent-run method — it not only restricts students from joining, but the latter also excludes faculty.
“Moderating the Parent Facebook Group included accepting new membership requests, verifying that new members were associated with a current W&M student, monitoring posting and commenting activity, and reinforcing community guidelines,” said Heather Deere, Interim Director of Parent & Family Programs. “Most of this activity took place during peak hours of activity for the group, which were usually evenings and weekends.”
Running this page was no easy task. There was a small group of College faculty fielding requests and performing administrative duties for a group with thousands of individuals. Naturally, this was difficult to manage.
“Community growth and external factors, such as COVID-19, led to a significant shift in the volume of engagement and the tone within the Facebook group,” Deere said. Parents also commented on the sheer anger expressed on the platform during the 2020-21 academic year.
“Sadly, rational discourse and respect for other views precipitously declined during the past two years, certainly on both Facebook pages and in society at large,” one parent reflected.
The overwhelming stress and uncertainty led to heightened bitterness in the College community.
“Too often, there were parents who expressed concerns about student mental health or the administration’s seemingly draconian and arbitrary decision-making and penalties directed at students, who found themselves virtually shouted down by other parents,” an anonymous parent said.
The discourse in the group devolved so significantly that the moderators decided to to temporarily shut down the page in December 2020 to allow for much-needed rest, relaxation, and re-evaluation for group members and moderators alike.
Moderators monitored misinformation, intergroup conflict, and liability issues throughout their tenure.
“Each member . . . was required to affirm their commitment to upholding established community guidelines, and actions were taken as needed by moderators to maintain community guidelines,” Deere said.
Ensuring privacy was essential, but certain members didn’t always make this easy. For instance, there would be times when a parent would upload a request similar to the following:
“My son (class of 2025 and an athlete) is currently having issues with his roommate. I’m currently seeking advice on how to remedy the communication situation.”
Family members went as far as to include their child’s name in the conversation or even the name of the roommate in question, potentially creating problems not only for the students involved, but for the group’s integrity as a whole.
Due to a rule restricting access to parents of graduated students, Juliet Johns created a new group in December 2020 called “W&M Family Group (parent-led)” under the premise that sometimes, the best counsel isn’t from the College itself, but from parents of students involved in Facebook-worthy conflicts. This new group ensured that these family members could remain in the College’s Facebook community post-graduation and continue giving guidance.
With the two pages running simultaneously, there were natural discrepancies in the content of the two. COVID-19 was at its peak, and the ever-changing guidelines from the College, Virginia, and the country exacerbated the confusion.
Johns talked with Interim Dean of Students S. Mark Sikes and another moderator from the staff-run group about the direction of both groups following the hiatus.
“Mark and I both discussed how the group post-COVID contained a LOT of negativity; posts bashing the admin, spreading false information, and posting opinions or agendas rather than official college announcements,” Johns said.
Parents would call out Sikes and Deere specifically, asking them to respond to specific jabs at the College and its administration. Seemingly few parents reached out to decision-makers directly to share their concerns — their primary outlet was Facebook, and their primary target was the faculty-run page.
The presence of College faculty made it a more contentious group than the parent-led one, and COVID-19 debates were a primary reason why.
“I felt like sometimes people on the admin-led page were more willing to voice their ideas, beliefs, et cetera because they wanted the admin to see their comments,” one parent affirmed.
Interestingly enough, W&M Family Group (parent-led) had fewer instances of this kind of discord, primarily due to censorship by their moderators or administrators who went so far as “to freeze or even delete any COVID-related conversations that go beyond the context of identifying school decision-making or policies,” as one parent described.
Ultimately, the group’s volume far exceeded what Parent & Family Programs anticipated in 2017.
“In short, moderating the Parent and Family Facebook group became a full-time responsibility,” Deere said.
There were far too many incidents of outright sharing of private information — names, dorm room numbers, and professors — and these confidentiality concerns could have created substantial legal issues for the College and its staff.
As a result, on December 17, 2021, Deere and her colleagues permanently archived the page and restricted any new members from joining. Parent & Family Programs encouraged members to connect with official members of the College if and when they came across a new issue.
After disbanding the group run by Parent & Family Programs, the W&M Family Group (parent-led) became the predominant Facebook page. On March 5, 2022, the parenthesis were eliminated, signaling an official shift in the future of the community’s social media presence.
As COVID-19 restrictions eased, the tone became less harsh, but there will always be problems that parents feel the need to tackle. Most recently, the waitlisting of students from on-campus housing and the ever-present dining dilemmas caused quite the stir within the Facebook community. Many parents’ comments bridge a fine line between wanting the best for their children and asking for assistance on every problem that pops up.
Simply put, “my mom thinks most William and Mary parents are insane,” Lydia Danas ’24 said.
Of course, this is not the consensus of every student and parent. Many family members acknowledge how helpful both pages have been throughout the years, from finding the right hotel to stay in during move-in to helping a student locked out of their dorm when they desperately need access to their belongings.
Unfortunately, the previously high volume of hateful messages turned many people away, first from the W&M Parent and Family Facebook Group and then from the W&M Family Group.
“I was getting actively angry about the way that people were treating each other [and] the school,” parent and alumna Christina Minecci said. Minecci silenced notifications from the parent-led page months ago.
COVID-19 proved to be the catalyst for the majority of College-related Facebook drama. While the moniker has undoubtedly made many Americans quiver, society has indeed endured unprecedented times.
“I think there was a lot of fear,” Minecci said. “And I think that a lot of the parents who were terrified about their child not being under their roof acted even more afraid than they would’ve been otherwise. And I think that that stress and that angst during COVID-19 made that worse.”
Would there have still been tension and debates on a faculty or parent-led Facebook group without COVID-19? Almost certainly yes.
But the tone and tenor of the concerns voiced on the page could not have been possible without a life-changing pandemic.
The severity of posts, the personal attacks on people’s character, and the overwhelming harshness of a few have left a largely negative impression on most parents. A Facebook group or two cannot define an entire parent base, but in a community as tight-knit as that of the College, the word spreads, and it spreads fast.
Most parents simply want a helpful and welcoming Facebook community, somewhere that can provide them with a simple answer or a friendly message. Unfortunately, this type of content is oftentimes overshadowed by the few who choose to turn the pages into a contentious echo chamber.