Spilling the Tea

ZOE DAVIS // FLAT HAT MAGAZINE

If there’s one thing Flat Hat Magazine staff is good at, it’s gossiping. So, buckle up, y’all: we’ve got major tea to spill. The craziest, funniest, and most chaotic true stories we’ve heard, all in one place.

• I know someone at W&M who duct-taped a mouse in his closet, only for it to escape by eating through the ceiling.

• I know someone at W&M who was called a slut for taking Microeconomics. 

• I know someone at W&M who “accidentally” peed in a girl’s mouth. 

• I know someone at W&M whose house was raided in a police search because her brother was not only a drug dealer but also a serial kleptomaniac.

• I know someone at W&M who got stabbed by a girl when he dumped her and had to go to the hospital.

• I know someone at W&M who, instead of washing his underwear, just leaves them on the floor and cycles through his other pairs, assuming time will make them clean.

• I know someone at W&M who faked a British accent for the entirety of their freshman year for attention.

• I know someone at W&M whose mom called a priest to their house when she found his fake ID because she thought he was an alcoholic.

• I know someone at W&M who accidentally left a shart (if you know, you know) stain on a classroom carpet after eating too much cabbage and then engaging in late-night sexual shenanigans. 

• I know someone at W&M who got bit by a rabid bat. 

• I know someone at W&M who faked having a serious medical condition to seduce girls because he thought girls would feel bad for him and then sleep with him.

• I know someone at W&M who slept with her best friend’s ex-boyfriend, only for that best friend to then have revenge sex with her ex-boyfriend (who just so happened to be a convicted pedophile).

• I know someone at W&M who slept in until 2 p.m. on course registration day and still managed to get all his classes. 

• I know someone at W&M who bought a 36-pack of condoms, a 12-pack of Monster Energy, and a bungee cord from Walmart in the same transaction.

• I know someone at W&M whose car was such a hazard that the glove compartment was in the back seat and the front was held together by a zip tie.

• I know someone at W&M who converted to Catholicism as a form of rebellion against his liberal, atheist parents.

• I know someone at W&M who runs background checks on all his friends and everyone in his dorm.

• I know someone at W&M who regularly ripped his underpants squatting at the Rec and would just continue wearing them.

• I know someone at W&M who was so paranoid of identity theft that he wouldn’t tell his friends when his birthday was, only for his LinkedIn to broadcast his birthday to all of his connections because he forgot to change the setting from automatic.