The Ampersand: "Secrets of the Crim Dell"
In the middle of a lukewarm night about a month ago, a group of friends and I trespassed onto the Crim Dell Amphitheatre. Crossing the triple-layered yellow rope felt how I’d imagine stepping into a boxing ring for a welterweight bout might feel. Only, where I expected to see an Ivan Drago-esque figure glaring at me with meatball eyes in the opposite corner, I saw an inculpable squirrel gnawing at an acorn. Something on the other end of those menacing “DANGER DO NOT ENTER” signs fastened to the rope I found a bit ironic: no clear and obvious sense of impending doom. In fact, the forbidden veranda was the first place I’d been able to find peace of mind in weeks. The setting itself coupled with the tune of the evening crickets made the placid simplicity of the moment excellently tranquil. Naturally I wondered aloud, “When the hell are they going to get this thing up and running again?” My friend replied that I shouldn’t count on that happening anytime soon. The Crim Dell Amphitheatre has been out of service for over a year now. Upon learning this tidbit, my jaw pummeling the decaying leaf-ridden floorboards might’ve seriously shifted the balcony off its foundation.
Let me back up. Many of you probably have no idea what the Crim Dell Amphitheater is. For reference, you may have heard of its more widely-established neighbor, the Crim Dell. According to the College of William and Mary’s website the Crim Dell and its beloved bridge are “the most photographed (and romantic) spot on campus”. I guess that makes the ramshackle amphitheater across the street the most profaned — and tragic. A true landmark of depravity. Why am I getting into all this? Let me put it like this: the Crim Dell Amphitheatre is like any good dog. Pay it the attention it deserves, and it just might become the only thing between you and the fringes of an irreversible manic prostration. But, let it slip your mind for just long enough, and it’ll shit on your floor and run around in circles while you make one feeble attempt after another to catch it. In other words, if the College doesn’t fix the Crim Dell Amphitheatre in time for us all to enjoy it, the consequence would fall on us, the students.
Consider this, the Crim Dell Amphitheatre is an ideal site for the favorite daytime activities of a William and Mary student: needlessly apologizing to one another, making plans to visit a thrift store, and dreaming up Broadway adaptations of “The Office”. Also, it is just a plain eyesore in its current decrepit state. Visiting high schoolers might cave into some kind of epileptic fit if they were to lift their eyes away from Fortnite mobile for more than a couple seconds to witness the splintery death trap. I pity the poor tour guide whose job it is to convince parents to fork over $40 thousand next year for their degenerate children to kick back in the Botetourt Complex and play more Fortnite while sucking the soul out of countless mango Juul pods. Then again, it’s hard to blame the kids. Maybe all they need is another cool outdoor hangout spot to interact with friends, faculty, lovers, whoever and slug off the stresses of their studies, and they wouldn’t end up as generation Z Holden Caulfield caricatures.
The saddest part is that it appears as if the College would rather expend its efforts into making sure kids stay as far away from the amphitheater as possible. Seriously, workers were paid to come in and install wooden posts, slop on a double coat of paint identical to the amphitheater, and string some nice yellow nylon rope to add just a dash of school spirit. Nice try Bill and Mary, but we’ve caught you in your miserly charade. For the record I’m not convinced it would’ve cost any more to just hire a few carpenters and maybe a building contractor to come in and just fix the thing. It probably wouldn’t take longer than a day or two. But, if money is what has them dragging their feet through the swampy dirt, may I suggest assembling a motley crew of pupils so we can roll up our sleeves and repair the amphitheater ourselves? Besides, it is supposed to be ours to enjoy in the first place.
The Ampersand is a section of Flat Hat Magazine that seeks to highlight anything that could not traditionally fit into any of the publishing categories of submissions, features or news. Have an idea for the Ampersand? Email the design editors at design@magazine.flathatnews.com.
